Anonymous said: do you have the written prose from 'one year' saved anywhere?
i thought it was good at the time. but looking back on it i’m not very fond of it
here it is anyway!
A year, and then you are completely different and the face you once constantly covered has now changed, and you are happy about showing it to people. And all those memories of feeling completely alone are almost all gone, and the world is so much smaller now. The faces on the sides of trains don’t look as scary as they once were, and the underground of the world has opened up and dispersed into your head. You begin to go out again, like that’s all that’s keeping you alive, and the thought that one day it will get better, and these thoughts will just become endlessly engraved smells about the bottom of plastic toys that you got for Christmas when you were five years old.
You’re open now. People can see who you are, instead of who you’re trying to be. But your thoughts are screwed up now. They aren’t where they used to be. And the constant flood of migrant metaphysical currents start to pour out, and they aren’t there anymore. What was once deep thought has now become a mind nulling nothingness, and when you start to write again you realise that the genius is still there, but tries to hide itself in the cracks of your mind. The outpour of brilliance is now shut away, but you are constantly reminded of it when you sit down and pour it all out again. You just need to hold the emptiness, and think that something better is there, because something better is there, but you can’t see it. It lives inside of you. You need to learn how to get it all out again, like there’s nothing else for you to do now but to be ambitious, and forget about all the useless shit that you’ve been tried to hard to keep.
The world is better than you, but you should let your thoughts pour out for now, because one year has completely changed you, and even though you are utterly alone and feel you have no real friends, you should go out more, because time doesn’t destroy you, it tidies your thoughts and let’s those finite currents sweep across the world, and touch people, like you are just one mind thinking while the rest of the world rumbles beneath your feet. Let your brain drip out, and you will be happier, because that’s what you want, and this year has shown you that.
One year ago you were so utterly alone, but you’ll be fine now, because it’s getting better.